BC4M's "Pick Yo Poison Night"

The meeting started innocently enough, with The Drunken Polack and his fiance Polly Pocket discussing the most recent snuff film they reviewed. Unbeknownst to the rest of us, The Polack is a renowned snuff film aficionado. His favorites include such classics as "Shag 'em, Bag 'em, Tag 'em," "Slash that Gash," and who can forget the 80's classic  blacksploitation snuff film,  "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka...Then Screw You Sucka!, Then Kill You Sucka!". The Polack's latest discovery was some Croation flick, full of blood, guts, and some kinky sex weird enough to make even Fred squirm. Big Audio Dynamite (BAD), on the other hand, was intrigued. As a former porn star, BAD has worked with the best of them. Peter North, John Holmes, Harry Reems (inventor of the pornstache), Ron Jeremy, even legendary Indian Porn Star Vikki, star of the autofellatio instructional video, movie "Up and Over". Like a Law and Order prosecutor, BAD probed the young couple regarding their sex habits. "What kind of weird shit you two into? Rusty Trombones? Bronco Sex?  Cincinnati Bowties? The Dirty Sanchez? The Bullwinkle? Tuna Melts? Cop's Delight? Flaming Amazon's? Hot Karl's? Indian Cock Burns? New York Style Tacos? Puerto Rican Fog Banks? Purple Mushrooms? Snerd Nurgling? Swimmers Ears? Fish Eye's? Woody Woodpecker's? Monkey Wrenches? Sex Baskets? The Flying Dutchman? Davy Crocketts? Shirley Temple's?" (all real shit. If you don't believe me, look em up!) The rest of us sat in complete awe of our brother and his vast knowledge of kink. Having exhausted the sex talk, the conversation changed to beards. Bim has been growing his strange facial hair for months, hoping to leave the medical field and pursue his longtime dream of joining the circus. The Polack also is growing a beard. "How's Polly like it?" asked Snake. "She likes it" The Polack replied, "but complains that it tickles her balls".......deafening quiet ensued....outer space quiet....the house suddenly so still you could hear a mouse fart. The quiet was punctuated by the projectile vomiting of Johnny Wilder. The infamous J. Wilder, as you may have heard, recently lost his job with the Secret Service due to a rather public indiscretion with a Colombian hooker. To break the uncomfortable aftermath, host Fred declared, "Enough of this shit, we're here to drink some beers!" And that we did. Fred created a rather large list of beer pairings, allowing each member to chose between 2 beers until we had completed the list. We started with Three Floyds Zombie Dust (7.0%). The beer says it's a pale ale. Pale ale my ass! This hop bomb has to be an IPA, and a great one at that. First beer, first RFG of the night!  New Glarus Uff-da Bock (6.7%) smelled great, but only tasted good. The Bruery's Filmishmish (5.8%) lacked the oak flavor we expected, but was still got a really good rating. The Bruery's Mother Funker (6.0%) had a mouth puckering sweet, vinegary taste, rating a good. We followed that with The Bruery Oui Oui (9%), which we thought missed the mark. It tasted a bit too much like a thin Bartles and James wine cooler, rating only a so/so. Olde Hickory gave us Seven Devils (8%). This boozy beer, with a hint of vanilla, was liked by all, rating a really good. Clown Shoes Vampire Slayer (10%) is their second anniversary beer. This Russian Imperial Stout was dark and sweet with a hint of smoke. We gave it a good. Hangar 24's Barrel Series #4: Hammerhead (13.8%) was a really good booze bomb of a barleywine. What's not to like about an almost 14% beer? Cismontane's The Citizen (6%) made us wonder what country this citizen was from. Serbia possibly? This beer rated only a so/so. We chased that with DC Brau's The Public (6%). DC Brau can make some really nice beers. This isn't one of them. It tasted as if it was made with the dirty bathwater from an Occupy DC hippie, but we know that can't be true since hippies don't take baths. We generously gave it a so/so. Grimm Brothers The Count (12%) was a sweet, raisiny imperial stout. It easily rated a really good. The Lost Abbey, another great brewery, provided Red Barn Ale (6.7%). This spicy, peppery beer missed the mark, rating only a so/so. The Bruery's Trois Poules Francais (10.4%) was another really nice beer from our favorite brewers, rating a really good. Two Brothers Red Eye Coffee Porter (9.2%), was only a so/so. When you put the word "coffee" in the name, you'd better be able to taste some coffee, and this one didn't deliver. Charleville Box of Chocolate (10.5%) was a sugary sweet brew, tasting of silky chocolate. We all agreed this one was good. Cigar City Improvisacion Oatmeal Rye India-style Brown Ale (9.0%) was rated a good. Half Acre Baume (6.5%) had a rather harsh, peppery/chocolate taste that we all liked, rating it a good. Anchorage's Galaxy White IPA (7.0%) was also a solid good. Cisco Monomy Kreik (6.7%) was a disappointment. We had hoped for better, but the beer was weak and watery, rating a so/so. Cigar City's Kalevipoeg Baltic Porter (9.0%) was good, prompting Fred to remark that it tasted of "breasty milk tits" whatever that means. Not sure that anyone is actually brewing with breast milk, but it's an interesting idea. Mikkeller's Sour Bitch (7.7%) was just that, a nice sour that we all liked, rating a good. Next up was Hill Farmstead's Art (6.0%), a barrel aged saison. We are excited about this brewery, and look forward to trying more from them. Despite the fact that we generally don't like saison's, we liked this one, giving it a good. And the last beer of the night was Cascade's Blueberry Ale (7.33%). While fruit beers often taste like fruity ass, this one worked. One of the best beers of the night, the Blueberry ale rated a really good. And with that, the night came to an abrupt end. As we had finally gotten to the end of the menu, thoroughly sloshed, we left Fred's house with visions of pornos, death and transsexuals dancing in our heads...