Frankly, we know this post is appears to quite untimely, but isn't it better to be late than never? Recently, with the always beloved Valentine's Day quickly approaching, the Founding Fathers of the BC4M decided to have a quick meeting to come up with unique gift ideas for our better halves as well as using the meeting as an excuse to taste more beers. It seems that the advertising industry cranks up a full scale media assault on anyone with a teabag and trouser snake from the moment your special lady has opened her last Christmas gift in an effort to convince men to buy her chocolates, flowers, jewelry or if you really love her, a full compliment of each. Nothing says "routine" like a nice box of chocolate in a heart shaped box from Walgreens with the matching mediocre card. Of course, to the mullet sporting, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging asshats that make up a large portion of our population, true love is the night his "old gal" opens up the back door drive-in for the brown eye special without actually being shit housed drunk. Looking to make this a very special day for our ladies, Snake, Fred, Bim and D-Rail arrived at casa de Wilder with Johnny sporting his latest fashion craze, a summer ensemble he calls the "trunk you". First up was Snake, who barely got back in town in time for the meeting having just gotten off an overnight flight from Cocksperten, Sweden where he had spent a week on a fact finding mission for his start up investment firm. His team is always on the look out for the latest craze to invest money in and he had found it in the fastest growing action sport in Scandanavia, "Extreme Ping Pong" or EPP. "You know, ain't nothing beats a pair of hooters smacking balls" said a wild-eyed Snake who one night after downing a fifth of absinthe, woke up sometime later to find himself being straddled by two buxom vixens using him as a makeshift ping pong table. His gift for the ladies was to give each a customized paddle as well as an official EPP competition jersey. While we decided that both gifts were spot on, we opened a couple of new beers. First was Avery The Reverend (10.0%). Bim, ever afraid of priests as a result of his adolescent days at a Catholic boys school, shrieked when he saw the label of what he thought was the infamous Father Lovejoy, his former headmaster who according to Bim, was indeed the headmaster of the local gloryhole at the Greyhound station. "This shit smells like pig urine" said Fred, while D-Rail added, "Smells like home sweet home". This isn't Avery's best effort and the mish mash of flavors led to a group drain pour. So/So at best, we then opened a Westbrook Brewing Co. Wine Barrel Tripel (8.5%) , a new brewery located in gorgeous Charleston, SC, this one was a tad sweet but super light and refreshing. "Damn, this is tasty" said Snake, as Wilder piped in "If I had some of this to give to the girls back in high school, ground rule doubles in the back seat of my t-top camaro would have come a whole lot easier". A solid really good, the wine barrels add a tart character that perfectly blends with the strong pale ale to form a dangerously good treat. Next was Evil Twin Soft Xmas aka Pretty Please with a Cherry on Top (10.9%). As most of you know, Evil Twin is hit or miss with the BC4M, as their clever beer names often times are way more impressive than the beer itself. Frankly, this is another example. The faintest hint of cherry hits your tongue and then you get a sweet malt milkshake that is bitter and uneven. Rating this one a So/so is probably giving it too much credit but it wasn't completely disgusting. Our next gift idea came from resident shaman, Dr Bim who's soothing touch and "healing power of laughter" have allowed him to be a 4 time winner of the prestigious "Great Cornholio" award. This annual honor, given by the local immigrant and migrant worker clinic is bestowed on the doctor with the highest rate of prostate exam success. His idea for the girls was to share in his magical touch and offered free lifetime breast exams. "Good luck with that" said Wilder, as we moved on to Westbrook Brewing Co. Mexican Cake (10.5%). Upon hearing Snake say, "ohh I like me some mexican cake", D-Rail immediately ran outside as he had once been mistaken for the pinata or 'mexican cake" at a neighborhood birthday party he had mistakenly wandered in to one afternoon while chasing after his footloose and horny chihuahua Papi. This beer is a Russian Imperial Stout brewed with cinnamon, peppers and cocoa. "Damn this is tasty" said Bim, as we all agreed it was a really good. Next up was a Fifty-Fifty Brewing Eclipse Imperial Stout (Elijah Craig 12yr) (9.5%). Dark as a moonless night, the body was as thin as an emaciated hyena but fuck was it boozy. "So fucking smooth" said Fred, while Wilder added, "As easy drinking as a 5 dollar hooker". Another winner, we gave this one a really good as well. We then popped the cap off of an Olde Hickory Irish Walker (10.14%). A barleywine style ale, this one was as malty as a box of stale Ritz crackers and had what seemed to be enough sugar to power a Chuck-E-Cheese filled with third graders. Still, the balance was good between the two and it rated a solid good. Fred's gift idea was next. He thought it would be nice to hire one of those hipster "food trucks" to come by and serve up some delicious meals, thereby allowing the girls to have a few nights off from making dinner. The idea sounded great to the guys until Fred told them about the ad he had found on craig's list, for a highly rated and 5 star reviewed gourmet cantina called of all things, the "hot box". It seems the proprietor of the truck isn't allowed within 200 yards of any school or hospital, due to "health permits" so he couldn't park his gut wagon in our neighborhood. "Damn, I sure was hoping for a few banana popsicles" said Bim. The next beer was a Nogne Ø #100 (10.0%). Another barleywine, this one was much more potent than the Olde Hickory and was more booze forward with less malt and much more bite. Also rating a good, we then opened a Great Divide Espresso Oak Aged Yeti (9.5%). This one smelled like 5 week old burnt coffee grounds uncovered at a truck stop urinal. Chunky, thick and mean, sorta like that German frau who could snap your wrist in an arm wrestling contest, this one was tough to like. If cold, dark stale coffee is your cup of tea, then you have yourself a winner. So/so was the verdict so we then pried the top off of a Brooklyn Black Ops (10.7%). Frankly, most of their beers are weak and fail to impress us. We realize they have a huge cult following in the craft beer world, but if the beer sucks, the beer sucks no matter who makes it. However, this one is of their better efforts. Ultra smooth, it isn't bourbon forward like other barrel aged beasts, and the body is watery for such a high abv beer. Still, the flavors were balanced and the taste was good. We were down to our last beer of the night and our last gift idea, from J. Wild of course. The beer was The Bruery Melange #3 (15.0%) and like the gift idea it was an RFG. This beer is so rich thick and smooth, its like you wanna bathe in it. Decadent, hot, full of flavor, the beer coats your tonsils with a kaleidoscope of tastes. "That shit is fucking awesome" said D-Rail, as Snake added, "This shit is fucking awesome". As for Wilder's gift idea, he went upstairs and came back dressed as his alter ego, Ashley Schaefer, and offered to give each of the ladies a brand new Mercedes. "Just make sure you give them a car and not a free taste of your plums" said Fred, as Bim asked, "He has plums?, I love plums". Thankfully, we adjourned the meeting before any plums were harmed....Until next time, when you need a great gift idea for your lady...remember, just ask the BC4M...
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