Homebrew

As we prepare to brew again, the BC4M would like to familiarize our followers with our distinguished brewing history. We have received some criticism for our harsh descriptions of some of the swill we've had ("like a combination of Lucky Charms and baby shit"). But, in our defense, we have always reserved our harshest criticism for the crap we brew ourselves at the CHC Brewery. It all started in late 2007. Bim had the equipment, and the BC4M decided to try our hand at brewing. After all, if the Unibroue people can brew something that resembles beer, a group of college educated nitwits should be able to as well. We started with a simple ale that we called Old Man Winter. We paid attention to the brewing process, and lo and behold, we brewed a so/so to good beer. "This shit's easy" exclaimed Johnny Wilder, and with that, we were officially brewers. Next up was CHC Best Bitter. This brew was trouble from the start. We were drinking while brewing, totally lost track of time, and fucked it up royally. Nonetheless, it bubbled, indicating fermentation had occured, so we bottled it up and two weeks later sampled this horrible science experiment gone wrong. Words can't adequately describe how foul this stuff was. I hesitate to even call it beer. And yet, on those rare nights when there was nothing else in the beer fridge, we took our medicine and eventually drank nearly every bottle. Undeterred, we began brewing Winter's Best, a session ale. Again, lots of drinking while brewing, and again, a mess of a beer. It looked like beer, smelled like cider, and tasted like it came straight from the Ganges River (i.e. half charred corpses mixed with raw sewage). With each failure we reviewed our mistakes (usually too much drinking while brewing) and tried again. The next beer was called CHC Blonde Ale, and, if possible, we outdid ourselves in horrible ways! This cidery shit was worse than that watermellon crap that 21st Ammendment brews. Drinking it was akin to eating the "sweet tart" in the urinal. We followed the Blonde with a Hair of my Dog Ale, so named because Bim's house is like a small SPCA with 2 dogs and 5 cats. There was visible hair in the finished product, which, in keeping form, was just awful. We wasted no time in trying another, Swamp Fire Ale. For 6 months in 2008, a fire burned in the nearby Great Dismal Swamp. Every day the sun turned gray as ash covered the skys and settled in our next beer, Swamp Fire Ale. Words can't adequately describe the taste, but a picture comes close. Time to get serious... So we rounded up the BC4M and tried a group brew of Coopers Ditch Stout. Crazy brought some moonshine that his hillbilly in-laws brewed, and we drank and brewed, brewed and drank, with the same predictable outcome. Drinking this beer is like kissing your 90 year old withered grandmother on the lips. Her breath smells like onions and garlic, her body smells of mothballs, and yet, she is your grandma after all. So you let her give you a big wet kiss, and just when you think the worst is over, she slips you the tongue. This beer was worse than that, a lot worse. At this point we probably should have just stopped, but instead, we kept on truckin! Next up was a porter. We brewed this bad boy on a cold wintry night. J Wilder was unable to make this session, as he was in Williamsburg at a gay friend's coming out party. Thus a beer name was chosen... Pole Smoker Porter. Despite the fact that all the brewers were intoxicated, this was the closest thing to beer that we'd made in a long time. Unfortunately, it had the carbonation of a week old 2 liter bottle of Coke. Drinkable, but not enjoyable. Which brings us to our latest brew, Skidmark Brown Ale. Bim was prohibited from fully participating with this brew, and yet the result was the same. The "beer" is only a few weeks old, but shows no sign of ever improving. We may enter it into the next homebrewing competition to test the judges diplomatic skills (they are hesitant to spit beers out and curse the brewers, even when they taste like Drano). And that, my dear friends, is the brewing history of the CHC Brewery. Great slogans and labels, crappy beers... maybe we're not so different from the big guys after all!