Frank the Tank hosts a "sit down"

It was a balmy Thursday evening when we gathered at Frank the Tank's for an important meeting of the BC4M. Earlier in the week, the group's communications czar, Bim, had sent out a text stating that all available members were to report to Tank's compound for some important "bidness to discuss". Without knowing what the meeting entailed, Fred, Bim, Wilder, Big Mike, 10pm and Snake gathered around the antique Italian Chestnut table that Tank's paternal great-great grandfather had hand carved while "shipwrecked" for 4 months on the isle of Lesbos in the late 1800's. Tank's lovely bride had spent the entire day concocting a feast befitting the Roman army. On the table was what looked like the entire cookbook from the BC4M's favorite TV cook, Giada. As we dug in to such delectable treats as slim jim's and cheese dip, we commenced to listen as Tank opened the floor with a stirring karaoke rendition of Loverboy's classic Hot Girls in Love. After bringing down the house and having us cackle with laughter, we got down to the business at hand, drinking and rating some beers. As we cracked open our first beer, The Bruery Autumn Maple (10.0%), Tank said that the reason he had decided to host the weekly BC4M roundtable was so he could ask the founding fathers if his brother, a cugine by the name of Mickey Boombatz could be made a member in the BC4M. As we tasted a beer that was made with molasses, yams and maple syrup, we comtemplated the idea of initiating a new associate into the "family". The beer was way to cidery and was overpoweringly sugary so we gave it a so-so. Bim told Frank, if we decide to bring Mickey onboard, he would have to pass the initiation ritual that all new members must perform, namely bringing 10 new beers to a meeting. "Consider it done" declared Tank, as we moved on to a Green Flash Summer Saison (4.5%). An unfiltered, golden farmhouse ale, this one was about as fresh as a newly brazilianed pair of meat curtains and tasted just as tangy. "Damn this ain't bad" said 10pm, as we gave it a good. Eel River Triple Exultation (9.7%) was described on the label as a "certified organic" old ale that tasted according to Fred, "like a dry bottle of Maguier's carnuaba wax" so it rated a sucks. Out of the cooler came a Jolly Pumpkin Biere de Mars (7.0%) which was a French style stock ale, "whatever the fuck that means" said Big Mike. This one will curl your tongue like a jar of sour pickles a newly expectant young lady devours while craving a foot massage. "Damn this is sour as fuck!" said Snake, who added, "The more I drink of it, the more I like it, and I still don't like it". Fred and J.Wild loved the tart vibe, but the others hated it so it got the split vote we are accustomed to giving the sour beers and gave it a so-so. Otter Creek Imperial Series IPA (11.0%) was next and it was as dry as the Mojave desert at high noon in August. This stuff was so dry, that one sip would cause your tongue to curl up like a just popped balloon so Bim suggested we should help BP out by dropping a six kicker of this in the Gulf of Mexico to dry up all the spilled oil. So-so at best, we moved on to Weyerbacher Tiny (11.8%), a Belgian style imperial stout. Thick, effervescent, and as dark as the underside of King Kong's ball sack, this one had alot of alcohol bite to it and was like drinking a carbonated booze bomb, but it was still quite tasty and garnered a good. Two beers from Barrel House Brewing Company were next. Cumberland Pale Ale (4.6%) was so-so since it was nothing more than a forgettable Miller Lite style beer while Duveneck's Dortmunder Style Lager (4.5%) was pure crap in a bottle. Named after the famous Cincinnati painter of The Whistling Boy, this one was an utter disaster that tasted like a minty Werther's and was so bad, we all poured it out after one sip. "That was disgusting" said Bim as 10 pm added, "Nope, don't like it". We opened up one final bottle for the night, Schlafly Reserve Imperial Stout (10.5%). Smooth and silky, this is a barrel aged stout that doesn't kick you in the jimmy, but has just the right amount of bourbon heat to balance the rich chocolatey flavor. A solid good, we wrapped up the evening by casting a roundtable vote on the newest member of the B4M. Aye, was the unanimous result, so we adjourned and informed Tank to spread the good news to his brother. We raised our glasses to our host and we bid him farewell with the traditional Italian toast of Salude! Another successful meeting, and a new member of the brotherhood added.

Saturday Night Wilding

It was a surprisingly cool August evening this past Saturday that brought around several of the neighbors to Fred's house for a flamingo-less flamingo (i.e. another round of adult beverage consumption minus the kiddies splashing in the pool and interrupting another championship round of cornhole). Bim Bim, J. Wilder and 10pm along with their spouses showed up for what would turn out to be a very interesting turn of events. While the ladies sat outside on the deck drinking a bottle of syrah, the lads decided to get in a quick BC4M tasting session. Seasonal beers are popping up all over so we started the night off with a Dogfish Head Punk (7.0%), which is their take on the ever trendy pumpkin flavored beer. This is definitely not your typical nutmeg and allspice flavored bottle of mediocrity that shows up each autumn in the beer section. Boasting a strong malt flavor that was balanced with just the right amount of pumpkin flavors, this is one refreshing bottle of greatness so it got a really good. A bomber from Ballast Point, Sculpin IPA (7.0%) was opened next. A west coast style IPA, this one was "astringent" according to 10pm, while the rest of the gang thought it was really good, both hoppy and full of kick but still a notch below Pliny. This one isn't quite as smooth as our all time favorite IPA, but it still was quite tasty. Two Belgium beers were offered next from Brouwery Fonteinen. First was Oude Geuze (6.0%). Geuze or "Ger-zah" is a blended lambic that is considered the champagne of Belgium due to its high carbonation. This one opened like a bottle rocket and was blonde and bubbly like a giggling tree-huggerette who adores kittens. The taste was sour, musty and cidery, and Fred suggested maybe this was a mislabeled bottle of white wine vinegar. So-so at best, we moved on to a Oude Kriek (6.0%). Kriek is the dutch word for cherry, and this type of beer is made with sour Dutch cherries. "Sour as fuck" said Bim, as he pursed his lips as if he had just eaten a jar of rotten pickled eggs. Another so-so since Fred and Wilder like the sour beers, while Bim and 10pm said "this shit sucks". Another pumpkin beer, this time Weyerbacher Imperial Punkin Ale (8.0%). Unlike Punk, this beer tasted as if Grandma was baking pumpkin pies in the bottle. Sugary, spicey and like a jar of pumpkin paste, this one was way overboard in the pumpkin flavor so it got a so-so. Two growlers from Outer Banks Brewing Station were on the agenda next, the first was Abracadabra Brown Ale (5.3%) which offered about as much substance as a salt and gluten free Ritz cracker. "This is awful" said Fred, as Bim declared that this growler of baboon urine had obviously been filled with Vitalis Hair tonic. We poured it out and tried Outer Banks Brewing Station Dog House Tripel (9.5%). This supposed Belgian style tripel caught the taste buds of 10pm who rarely exudes more than a so-so or "Nope, don't like it" for most of the beers we try. This one garnered a smile and a "Damn, I like this" from a Founding Father that was out well past his bedtime. We looked at the clock and it showed it was almost the witching hour, so we decided to try one more beer before we called it a night. Dogfish Head Theobroma (9.0%) is a beer made from a recipe found on 1200 year old clay pottery that was excavated from Aztec ruins in Central America. Since the ancient people who wore loincloths and murdered hot virgins by tossing them off their temples also liked spicy alcoholic chocolate drinks, the boys at DFH decided to try and make a beer like the Aztecs might have toasted while deciding which busty double d'd young coed they should chuck off the roof next. The beer was decent, but it only rated a good since it tasted like a bottle of bubbly Yoo-Hoo. They obviously put some mescalin or some other hallucinogen in the bottle, because it caused 10pm to decide that the group needed to go on a recon mission in the neighborhood. Coincidentally, both Big Mike and Snake along with their brides were off on a 14 day yacht cruise up the Ganges river, so that left their homesteads ripe for an old-fashioned wilding by a group of intoxicated rabble rousers with nothing better to do. We took Fred's brand new inflatable Dallas Cowboys yard ornament with us and arrived at Casa de Snake and set it up in his living room. Bim, notorious for molesting all types of yard ornaments as well as four legged pets, promptly took to butt wrangling poor "Rowdy".
As we howled with laughter, 10pm suggested we "christen" each room of Snake and Big Mike's houses. As we each took a turn in the various rooms in both mansions, we saw the boys of the BC4M soiling the garden tub,

a pair of lovebirds doing what lovebirds do in the shower

a poor stuffed hippo getting stuffed

a kitty litter box being used by a urinating guitar hero

and finally a group orgy in Big Mike and Snap Peas bed

Yes dear readers, those are actual pictures of the marauding band of vagrants with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than terrorize empty houses. Maybe it was the full moon, maybe the psychedelic beer from DFH, but whatever it was, we had a blast. Next time you go out of town, maybe you too will enjoy a visit from the CHC party patrol..

Working Man's Blues

It was a Thursday night in the hood, and since most of the membership was out of town on various pursuits, the slave driver of the BC4M, Bim coerced us into having a "working" meeting where we would update the spread sheet that contains a listing of all the beers we have tasted. The spread sheet had started to lag behind our actual inventory of beers tasted as no one wanted to actually go through the drudgery of typing all the information into the computer. With Snake in the Pacific Northwest hunting venomous Olympic Marmets, 10pm in NYC performing his new "acoustic act", Frank the Tank on Long Island "sunning" with his goombah cousins , Big Mike doing "security" for The Jonas Brothers concert, and J. Wilder working on his upcoming Halloween outfit, Dogfish Head Man, the membership was down to Fred and Crazy Ken. Armed with what seemed like an entire ream of paper, we commenced our task of balancing the book with the spreadsheet. "What the hell, did you put one beer per page?" asked Ken, as we split the forest of paperwork up three ways. As we started to go through the BC4M Bible to look for missed beers, we opened up a Grand Teton Brewing Co Lost Continent Double IPA (8.0%). Bold, hoppy and malty, this one was a solid good. As we milked the beer, we listened as Bim called out two pages of beers from the book that had somehow not been entered into the database. "I must have been really fuckin drunk when I typed those in" said Bim, while Fred replied, "You didn't type shit". Back on track after what seemed like an hour, we moved on to a Schlafly Reserve Barleywine Style Ale (10.2%). Aged in oak barrels, this was a 2008 vintage that seemed to mellow with age. A bit of heat was found as the dark amber liquid rolled around the tongue, but it was balanced with a warm rich flavor so we gave this one a really good. As Bim and Fred's wives goaded us about our boring night of "work" we finally got around to the final beer of the night, Eel River Brewing Co. Raven's Eye Imperial Stout (9.5%). This one featured a maniacal looking raven on the bottle, and the beer poured as dark as African dungeon on a moonless night. Thick rich and robust, this one will put some hair on your juggies and it rated a really good. After three hours of eye-bleeding torture, we had finally caught the list up and Bim thankfully dismissed us for the evening. Even though we had only sampled three beers, we left Bim's exhausted and ready for bed.

P.S. Mad props to Fred's wife for diligently typing in all the required info into the database. Typing at over 100 words per minute, she made a mockery of us as she updated the list in less than 30 minutes. Cheers to Mrs Flintstone from the BC4M.

Wilder's O'Fallon Night

The big question for the BC4M, is why do we do this? Early on, one of our lovely brides commented, " You guys are 'tards...who do you think is gonna read this shit?". A very keen observation and a great question, and at the time, she seemed correct. Who's gonna read the ramblings of some old men about beer. That's what Ratebeer.com and Beeradvocate.com are for. But unlike those websites, we are just a group of ordinary guys who love good beer, and like to share our thoughts in 4th grade English and with the occasional injection of a mescaline induced trip down fantasy lane. So maybe we did have something to offer the beer drinking world after all. We are now 700 beers and over 5000 internet hits later, and I still am amazed that anybody reads this shit. Not only do they read it, there have been internet visitors from as far away as Luxembourg and Korea (what, you can't get internet porn in Luxembourg? How bored are these guys that they would hunt us down for entertainment?). We tell you exactly what we think of every beer known to man, and a few that aren't. If we say it sucks, save your money cause it sucks. No one is being pretentious, we just call 'em like we see 'em. Sure, there's that little voice inside our heads that tells us this is a futile exercise, but there's also that voice that tells Bim that his cats are plotting to kill him. Thus, we don't listen to the voices in our heads (although the cats are probably trying to kill him). So we drive on, tasting beers, guiding our followers, and hopefully keeping you entertained in the process. The Great American Beer Fest is 1 week away... We will attempt to pass the 1000 mark as we drive on. And so, on this life quest, we recently had a meeting at Wilders to taste more of the Midwestern beers that Bim brought home. What follows is that tasting. For starters, we decided to test drive the entire O'Fallon line of beers. First up was 5 Day IPA (6.1%). This beer had a real nice, not over the top hoppiness. It was a unanimous good, and a great start to the meeting. Ofallon's Hemp Hop Rye (5.5%) was next. This beer advertises that they add hemp seeds to the brew, but the group thought this to be a bad idea, as the beer rated only a so/so. Craft beers and dope smokers are an unnatural pairing. Smoke (6%) was up next. This was a smoked porter that supposedly won a medal in the GABF in 2004, but we didn't get it at all. Tasted like liquid smoke and rated a so/so. Weach (4.75%) was their combination of wheat beer and peaches, an odd combination that worked about as well as a peanut butter and bacon sandwich... so/so. Cherry Chocolate Beer (5.7%) smelled like a box of Esther Price Cherry Chocolates, not beer, and thus rated another so/so. Luckily, we ran out of O'Fallons's, so it was on to the Dark Horse Brewing Co.'s Double Crooked Tree IPA (6.0%). This beer had a very cool bottle, and while the taste was a little sweet, it managed a good. Great Lakes Brewing Co.'s Blackout Stout (9%) had a strong coffee flavor, and rated a good. Then came the Quaff Brother's Nola's Rye Single Barrel Ale (9%). This was a tough one to rate, as none of us had ever tasted a "cough syrup" style of beer. After drinking this, our heads were spinning like David after Dentist. So/so was a generous rating. Flying Dog Kerberos Tripel (8.5%) was a high alcohol beer that didn't merit a comment, but was voted a good. Jumping Cow Amber Ale (5.5%) is a Trader Joes beer. These beers are all contract brewed, but they choose some great breweries to brew them. This beer is brewed by Firestone Walker, and was a nice session beer. Then it was back to Ohio with a Brew Kettle Red Eye PA. The hops were over the top, and the group thought it should have been better balanced, but it still garnered a good. We ended the night with 2 Berghoff Beers, Prairie Lager and Heartland Heffeweizen. The lager was a so/so, enjoyed by the Coors Light lovers in the group, but rather tasteless to the rest of us. In contrast, the heffeweisen, despite the fact that we don't generally like these, rated a solid good. And just like that, 13 beers were gone, and it was meeting adjourned.

Bimigan's Island

To the tune of Gilligan's Island (with a link to refresh the memory of those too stoned to remember the 60's or any year for that matter and those that haven't yet discovered this TV land classic)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale

A tale of an awesome trip

That started from a Virginia Beach port

Aboard Snake's cruisin' ship

The mate was a mighty medicine man

The skipper was cocksure

Eight passengers set sail that day

For a 4-hour tour, a 4-hour tour

The blazing sun had worn us down

The swimming did some too

If not for the ice cold beers on board

Paramedics would be on the move

Paramedics would be on the move

So Snake then brought the boat ashore

To a rundown pub nearby

With Bimigan, J. Wilder and Big Mike too

Fred Flintstone........... and his wife

The migrant worker girls

The soccer mom and The Bengals fan

Here on Bimigan's island.......

It was a gorgeous, cloudless day in the Tidewater area, and the President of the CHC yacht club, Snake, had offered to take a few of the BC4M members and their better halves out for a cruise on one of the many boats in his stable of watercraft. We loaded up the coolers with beer and snacks and headed out for a trip up and down Broad Bay. The engines were humming and the beers were going down smooth as the talented hands of our Captain skillfully guided the vessel up the shoreline. We watched as jet skis zipped around us like schools of dolphins at play while party boats filled with drunken coeds from havens of academia such as JMU and Longwood shook their skimpily clad booties to the "give me dat boom boom boom" that filled the air. After cruising for an hour or so, Snake parked the yacht for a swim call. Even though the water was infested with Portuguese man-o-war jellyfish, the CHC crew jumped right in and swam like horny teenagers. Bim, an amateur marine biologist in his spare time, spent most of his swim time examining crab pots to ensure that the critters were being caught in a humane manner so as not to suffer needlessly. Wilder, a proponent of the new extreme sport of freediving, had descended to the murky depths below and returned with a treasure trove of artifacts that included a weathered "6 Million Dollar Man" lunchbox. After enduring a few stings from the jellyfish horde, the synchronized swim team known as "Snap Bean and Sugar Pea" thats consists of the wives of Big Mike and Snake called it a day and came back aboard. We headed back home after enjoying a sun drenched day on the water only to discover that right across the street from the marina was a dive bar that Wilder had discovered on one of his "sales" trips to the beach. "One drink" he promised to the ladies, so we headed in to find what turned out to be a closet sized hole in the wall that actually had a damn fine selection of beers. The decor was a mixture of Rastafarian beach meets 1980's porn as a signed picture of the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy adorned the wall behind the barkeep. "Seems like we might just be having a BC4M session boys" said Snake as we each picked a different beer to sample. First was a re-tasting of Brewdog 5 A.M Saint (5.0%), which we had tried at the Richmond beer fest. Liked it there and liked it again, so it got a good. Flying Dog Garde Dog (5.5%) was next and it boasted a label that featured a rabid version Bim's recently departed dog Faye. This one was very smooth and its mellow flavor belied its vicious label, but it too rated a good. Sea Dog Blue Paw Wild Blueberry Wheat Ale (4.6%) was brought to our attention by Wilder's wife, so we sipped what tasted like blueberry waffles in a bottle. Decent, but probably brewed for the limp-wristed pansies and turd-tappers of the world, it only rated a so-so to us. 21st Amendment Back In Black IPA (6.8%) was a can of pure brute force that is blacker that the ace of clubs. This is not overly hopped but had a very rich flavor and it rated a really good. Full Sail Session Premium Lager (5.1%) was shared next and it was a solid drinking beer made for case sized consumption. Decent, and with a much better taste than the mass marketed swill most people consume, it rated a good. Weyerbacher Merry Monks (9.3%) was a Belgian style Trippel that was off the mark. Grape flavors dominated and the typical American over use of Belgian yeast caused this one to be ok at best and it rated a so-so. The final beer (and since we all ordered only one each, we hadn't broken the promise that Wilder had put out) was Brewdog's Speyside Paradox Macallan (10.0%). An American dubbel style (made in Scotland no less) that is aged in sherry casks, it was dark, sugary and rich all at the same time. A little thin, but still full of flavors, this one was a solid good. We paid our tab and watched as Big Mike almost had put the slobberknocker on one drunk moron that had made the mistake of asking him if we were members of a traveling glee club. Another successful tasting session had come upon us as quick as an afternoon thunderstorm. We then made our way back to the hood for some midnight adult swim time in the casa de Wilder lagoon (but thats a whole other story for another time dear readers). Until our next visit, Ahoy you scurvy dogs.......

Inlaw Invasion

Crazy Ken offered to host this week. His in-laws were coming to town and he needed to get all juiced up prior to their arrival. The founding fathers arrived to find Ken with the business end of a clear plastic tube down his gullet with a funnel waiting on the other end. After explaining to Ken that we did not intend to do Jolly Pumpkin beer bongs, beer enemas, or any other unnatural beer instillations, the meeting was officially begun. Bim started the meeting with a little Barry Manilow on the ipod, but was quickly shouted down by the group. Snake, just back from Columbia where he spent a week in the Andes hunting peasants (that's right, people, the ultimate game) cried out that he was dry as toast. With that, we cracked open a Shiner Commemorator (6.7%). Shiner, as you loyal readers will remember, makes the Texas equivalent of Kentucky Horse Piss. This beer was their celebration of 100 years of brewing crap and crap lite beers. This was billed as a German "stark" style beer, but tasted like a weak quad. It's probably the best they can do, and while it is still better than anything the BC4M have ever brewed, it only rated a so/so. Next was Mt. Carmel's Springtime Ale (4.5%). We liked some of their other brews, but this farmhouse ale was just plain weak. "Less IBU's than a bag of potato chips" hollered Fred, although Crazy Ken liked it. It rated a so/so. Not off to a good start, we cracked open a Ringwood Brewery Extra Special Ale, Old Thumper (5.9%). None of us had ever heard of Ringwood, but the beer name was pretty cool and it had a picture of some mysterious warthog on the cover. If you are like us, whenever we see a wart hog, we think good beer! Surprisingly, this was good beer and rated such.It had plenty of body, a well-balanced flavor, and went down real smooth. Then it was back to Ohio breweries, with a Brew Kettle Production Works Four C's American Pale Ale (6.0%). It boasted 4 different types of hops, but surprisingly was really not that hoppy. It was a so/so beer. At this point Big Mike arrived with another of his "illegitimate daughters". We get so tired of Mike constantly bringing another of his "daughters" to the meetings, as if to brag about how much of his seed he's spread across the country. He is the Johnny Appleseed of illegitimate children! One meeting he brought D-rail's grandma to the meeting and had the balls to introduce her as his "daughter". She was a hoot though, and if she hadn't reeked of stale urine and mothballs, we'd probably have invited her back. Next was Brew Kettle's Copperhead Red (5.6%). Bim and Crazy recently caught a copperhead tresspassing in Bim's garage. That snake had guts... this beer did not. Weak, watery, and a real pasty excuse for a beer. If you're gonna name a beer after the poisonous snake that bites more Americans every year than every other snake, give it some balls! This garter snake of a beer was a so/so. Great Divide gave us 2 beers, Hade's Golden Belgian Style Ale (7.8%) which was a so/so, and Denver Pale Ale (5.4%) which Wilder described as "Dishwater Style Pale Ale". It sucked. Hopefully, these two beers were representative of Denver's low-end breweries. Next up was Boulder Beer's Killer Penguin (10%). This was a fine Colorado beer. Stealthily smooth, full-bodied, and rich, with a nice alcohol bite. It states that it's a small batch (50 barrels only) beer, and it rated a really good. Last up were 2 bombers from the Jolly Pumpkin. Luciernaga (6.5%) (The Firefly) was a barrel aged, bottle conditioned ale, full of flavor, and liked by all, getting a good. Last up was their La Roja Artisan Amber Ale (7.2%), a Flander's style (Belgian, not Ned) sour ale. This was like drinking a glass of Lemonheads. Sour as hell, but tasty. There was a split decision on this one, with Fred and Wilder voting really good, and the other votes split between so/so and good. We split the vote, and called it a good. If you like sour patch kids and sour beers, you'll love this one. And with that it was over. We left before the knuckle draggers from the west arrived, leaving Ken to fend for himself. Until next time, Op uw gezondheid!