Celebrating Reinheitsgebot

It was a warm and humid Friday evening in the hood and we had gathered at Johnny Wilder's house for our weekly BC4M meeting. Johnny, as many of you know, is an avid extreme sports fanatic, and has traveled the globe in search of ever more intense sporting feats to try his hand at. From skeet shooting with automatic weapons to playing golf on horseback, he will do whatever it takes to push the limits. This past winter, he had journeyed to his ancestral homeland of Austria to try his luck at a new level of sporting insanity, topless luge. While he was there, he had been given a gift from his uncle, Johan Franz Longendinger; a leather bound family journal detailing the exploits of Wilder's paternal great-great-great grandfather, Field Marshal Wilhelm Heinrich von Assengrauber. The Field Marshal was a Bavarian officer that had opposed the idea of German unification in the late 1800's unless the Reinheitsgebot or Purity Order was recognized by all parties involved. He was a dedicated zymurgist that had made what was considered at the time, the best beer in all of Bavaria, the Pfostenschwalbe Pilsner or as your prim and proper English butler Jeeves would say, "perhaps another Pole Swallower Pilsner sir?" Known throughout the local hamlets and villages as the beer that grabbed hold of your tongue and wouldn't let go till you were satisfied, this light lager was also a favorite among the hard working Baltic Sea stevedores that needed to relax their heavy loads. To celebrate the Reinheitsbegot and the Wilder family tradition of adventure seeking, we opened a bottle from the first brewery in America to earn that coveted distinction, Christian Moerlein. The Friend of an Irishman Stout (4.7%) was in one word, SUCKS. This one tasted like a Guinness Light and smelled like the burnt coffee from a power plant coffee machine that had been left on for 4 days. We have had some good Moerlein beers, but it seems that maybe being labeled as pure doesn't always translate into good taste. Next was Uinta Labyrinth Black Ale (13.2%). Sporting a label that had one of those eye-glazing mazes on the cover, we dove into this "ale aged in oak barrels". This one had a definite cocoa taste to it, and Fred mentioned that it tasted like a "bowl of cocoa krispies with a hint of trouble" and it rated a good. The next bottle, Stone Emperial 14th Anniversary IPA (8.9%) featured a picture of a steroid injecting gargoyle with what looked like two gigantic johnsons hanging from his loins. "What the hell are they trying to do, ruin every available woman in the world for me? I can't compete with one dick that big, much less two" said the only single member of the group, D-Rail. Bim laughed and told him, "You know, women must be the only sex with ESP, because they always know if men are gonna get laid". The bottle also featured an ode to Yeates on the back, as it went on and on about seafaring vessels, three-toed albino howler monkeys, and other nonsense that is typical of Stone. This one was decent and got a so-so. We then moved onto a slew of beers that Bim had brought back from the Party Source in Kentucky. This is actually a Home Depot sized place that has thousands of beers. Hoping he had found some new members for the RFG council, we opened four beers from Berghoff, which is actually contract brewed by Minhas Brewing. Sundown Dark (5.6%) is probably the worst beer we have ever tasted. "This shit is worse than Horse Piss Beer" shouted Fred as he immediately poured his out. This is the kind of beer that you would only serve to those maniacal haji-haji terrorists as a means of torture and even then, the Supreme Court would say it was cruel and unusual punishment. The true definition of sucks, we then tried a Berghoff Solstice Wit Bier (5.1%). They claim to be America's second oldest brewery, so Bim said, "You would think after all this time they would get better, but they sure as fuck haven't". This one smelled like the dead skunk you caught whiff of 3 miles before you actually see him lying in the road and tasted just as bad. Another sucks, so we then tried a Berghoff Pale Ale (5.8%) that was a little better only because it didn't suck so bad, so it got a so-so. We thankfully came to the end of the Berghoffs with a Traditional Bock Beer (5.4%). Frank the Tank said, "more like a traditional bottle of shit" as we spit out the remains of this skank ass beer. Hoping to better our evening, we cracked into an Outer Banks Brewing Santa's Little Helper (10%). This one tasted like drinking a hot toddy and even though the spicy noted outshone the hops and malts, this one got a good. Next was Left Hand Brewing Co. Smoked 2007 Goosinator Doppelbock Lager (7.2%). Like watching a momma duck lead her hungry chicks to the lake, we anxiously anticipated Bim pouring us each a glass of this highly rated beer. A difference of opinions developed with this one. "Tastes like burnt rubber meets jack links beef jerky" said Fred, while Wilder exclaimed, "snap into a left hand!". "This is drinkable for sure" said D-Rail while Snake said, "tastes like a greasy deer hoof". This one was a so-so for some and good to others. Next was Ballast Point Big Eye IPA (6.0%). Snake told of us the time back in 1993 when he had taken his boat, Booty Town Express , out for a day trip along with a bevy of pigtailed Danish softball players that were in town for a tournament. They had chartered Snakes boat because he was known the world over as The man for catching the infamous horse-eye jack featured on the label. "What a day it was boys" said Snake, "nothing beats watching a pair of dd's reeling in the ole big eye". As we howled in laughter, we loved the taste of this beer and gave it a really good. Next was a pair of beers from Mikkeller, the Beer Geek Brunch Weasel (10.9%). This is a unique beer, because it tasted like a cup of Starbucks dark Italian roasted coffee with just a hint of alcohol. Fred said he liked it, but when he read the label that said it had been brewed with coffee recovered from civet cat dung, we all about threw up in our mouthes. "Holy shit" said Bim, "this shit is made from shit?" The group encyclopedia, Fred, said he had heard about the immense amounts of money people pay for getting coffee beans that have been eaten by the civet cat and then pooped out. "A fool and his money soon part" said Tank as we all recoiled in horror at the thought of drinking any more of this "crap". Another Mikkeller, Jackie Brown (6.0%) was a brown ale that reminded us of one of the BC4M all time favorite movies, Black Dynamite. This one was very tasty, and as we drank this really good beer down, we were treated to a now obviously inebriated Tank's spot on rendition of the Who classic, "I can see for miles". The next two beers were from Germany, Aecht Schlenterla Rauchbier's Urbock (6.5%) and Marzen (5.1%). Both of these beers poured like the remains of a charcoal pit and tasted even worse. The smokey taste permeated everything, and the tasting glasses had to be steam cleaned to remove the charred odor. Fred remarked, "I would rather drink a microwaved Tactical Nuclear Penguin than this toxic waste", while Bim added, "Hitler died for this?". The beer tasted as if the burned out cinders from the Dresden fire bombings of WWII were used as a base material. Both of these ashtrays rated a sucks and after we thoroughly cleansed our tasting glasses (with a mixture of hydrochloric acid, all temperature Cheer and baking soda) we moved on to a five pack of beers from Schlafly. This brewery is located in St Louis, and is supposedly developing a reputation for putting out some quality beers. Schlafly Pilsner (4.8%) was more hoppy than the typical Pilsner and rated a so-so, Schlafly Helles Style Summer Lager (4.5%) was an alcohol free Miller Lite wanna be and rated a so-so, Schlafly Kolsch Ale (4.8%) was very drinkable and was easily the best Kolsch style we had tasted and it got a good, Schlafly ESB (6.2%) was lighter than the typical bitter, but was decent and it got a so-so, and the final Schalfly, Dry Hopped American Pale Ale (5.9%) was a great session beer, not overly hopped and easy going down the hatch so it rated a good. "I could drink this damn beer all fucking night" said D-Rail. As we drunkenly moved forward, we opened a New Holland Night Tripper Imperial Stout (10.8%). The label boasted a cross between what looked like the clown face from Saw VI with the demonic Chucky doll which caused BC4M's champion pugilist Tank to say, "I used to crack skulls on dipshits that looked like that back in the day". This one poured like an ice cold glass of chocolate milk and was really good. Smooth as a bowl of ice cream, it went down easy and left us wanting more. Thornbridge Brewery Halcyon IPA (7.7%) had a picture of a topless Medusa we christened Flora on the label which caused D-Rail to pontificate on the frightening memory he had of his childhood Brazilian nanny who had forced him to join her in the tub to wash and braid her dreadlocks on a weekly basis. The beer however, was much better than the imagery of a 300 pound dreadlocked wearing senorita that had been D-Rails introduction to the mysterious world of women and it rated a really good. Another beer from New Holland, El Mole Ocho (8.0%) was next and it tasted like a bottled mixture of ancho chiles, chocolate syrup and butt crack sweat. "This is terrible" said Fred, while somehow both Bim and Wilder didn't seem to mind the funky taste. So-so to good was the result, so we kept going, this time with a Southern Tier Farmer's Red Tan (9.0%). This one was supposedly an Imperial Pale Lager, but none of us had ever seen a beer in this style before. Quite tasty, we gave it a good and pulled out the final two bottles of this incredible night. Fuller's 2008 Vintage Ale No. 110613 (8.5%) was sweet and filling, like the kisses you got from that girl who you thought was off limits but somehow found your rugged good looks irresistible. This one was also really good and we would drink more of this anytime we can get some. The final beer was Stone Old Guardian Barleywine (11.26%). This one hit you in the stomach like the sugar rush you get from eating an entire white chocolate cheesecake, but it was still quite good. As we stumbled out of Wilder's compound, we raised our glasses for one final toast to celebrate great beers and great friends......PROST!