Creation According To Bim

The following is a totally fucked up view of the creation of the universe, by our own fucked up clown in residence.

On the first day, God created barley. It looked cool, and he thought that someday he'd come up with something to do with it. The next day, water. He mixed the barley and the water, but it tasted like Hell or High Watermelon Wheat, and he immediately puked. On day 3 he came up with Hops. He was trying to make weed, but missed by a hair. Day 4, he created some really cool dude that he could make his new drink that he would call beer, followed by Day 5's creation of a woman to keep his brewmaster entertained. Day 6 he created yeast. Being a bit of a mischief maker, God thought the yeast would be a funny joke to play on the woman. He had no idea it could be used in brewing. Ha ha ha! You've got crotch rot! Then came Sunday, Day 7. God declared that this was his day to kick back. He told the brewmaster to quit jerking it and get to work making something cool, like Black Tuesday...and beer was born! So, with this little lesson on creation complete, what better day for a little tasting session than a Sunday. Fred called out the troops, and broke out the Crooked Stave Wild Wild Brett, ROY-G-BIV collection, a beer for every color of the rainbow, all brewed with brettanomyces wild yeast.

First up was Rouge (5.2%), a beer combining rose hips, hawthorn berries, and hibiscus. Sounds like somebody ran out of ingredients so he raided the neighbors garden. This was a bubbly, slightly tart beer, rating a good. Orange (6.0%) was next. Sounded good on paper, but it had an artificial, plastic taste, not unlike orange Tang. You know, the stuff the astronauts drank when they faked the moon landing. It rated a so/so. Yellow (6.0%) combined honey, turmeric, mango and spices, which sounds more like a curry recipe than a beer. However, it had a real nice sour taste and rated a good. Green (7.0%) showcased Galaxy hops, and the hop flavor was nice. The exploding carbonation combined with the floating flotsam and jetsam, was not so nice, causing this one only a so/so rating. Blue (7.3%) was brewed with spruce tips and tasted like a bubbly Christmas tree, rating a so/so. Indigo (7.0%) was brewed with blueberries, giving it a great, tart taste, and a really good rating. And lastly, Violet (7.0%), brewed with lavender and pomegranates.  It was heavy on the lavender, rating a good. There you have it, the whole Wild Wild Brett Collection from Crooked Stave. Stay tuned until next time when we determine just what Muhammed was thinking when he asked for those 77 nubile virgins.

BC4M Gives Back

Ok, we admit that we have been lazy bastards all summer, but the summer is over and it's time to get back to work. By the time you read this, the beer encyclopedia will have been updated and our most recent charity event will be in full swing. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the BC4M will be offering all women, ages 18-40 a free breast exam for the entire month of October. Unfortunately, mammograms are not recommended for women under 40. That's where we come in. We will gently massage your supple breasts, carefully feeling for any unusual lumps and bumps. Your breasts will be photographed, and those photos maintained by the BC4M in order to compare subsequent photos for changes. And for this worthy service, we will not charge a dime. Instead, all we ask is that you bring a 22 oz beer, preferably something from the RFG list, that we will in turn donate to some worthy charity (or not).

In honor of our 4th anniversary, lets play a little game, shall we? Below is a list of truly memorable beers. Simply match the beer with the description. Unfortunately, there is no prize (unless you are a woman. In that case, we will offer you a free breast exam).


1) Hell or High Watermelon Wheat                A. Sweat in a Bottle
2)Allagash Les Deux Brassuers Ale               B. Pure paint thinner
3) Extra Billy's Red Ale                                   C. D.L. Geary's shitty shitbrew
4) Flying Horse Lager                                      D. Like a bitter bandaid taste
5) Three Floyds Bully Guppy                           E. Tastes like Sherwin Williams paint
6) Sam Adams Lemon Pepper Saison             F. You like corn? This one has plenty
7) Ranger Creek Small Batch #2                     G. Lucky Charms and baby shit
8) Horny Goat Hopped up and Horny              H. Only drink this if you're dying
9) Big Beaver Potent Peter                               I. Tastes like burning flesh
10) D.L. Geary's Summer Ale                          J. Tilapia in a bottle
11) Hook and Ladder Anniversary Ale            K. Terrible spittoon leavings
12) Longtrail IPA                                              L. Piss
13) Fordham Brewing Pamlico Amber            M. Made with VMI Keydette ball sweat
14) Dogfish Head Ta Henket                           N. Mix a lot of shit no one likes and you get this shit
15) Blue Lab Fresh Hop                                    O. Exploded like a Peter North Money Shot
16) Birradamare SRL Na Biretta Kuasapa       P. Tea + piss - tea = this


There you have it. How good is your beer knowledge? If you got them all, you really need to drink better beer. If you missed them all, you may be Cicerone material!



Answer key: 1-A, 2-G, 3-L, 4-F, 5-B, 6- J, 7-D, 8-H, 9-E, 10-C, 11-I, 12-K, 13-P, 14-N, 15-M, 16-O

Straight Outta Charleston

Recently, a firestorm of controversy erupted over a word that Food Network's Paula Deen uttered many years ago. I know you all have your opinions and maybe even some outrage about what transpired, but we at BC4M are the ones that probably need to take the blame for her indiscretion. You see, back then, Fred, Bim and J Wilder all lived in the quintessential southern town of Charleston, SC, living the craft beer dream in its infancy. It was a time when a Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat was as sought after as Heady Topper is today. To make money to buy a "make your own six pack" that the local Publix supermarket offered, we often played bar mitzvah's, weddings and bachelorette parties as the rap/dance group known as "C.W.A." It was one sultry August weekend that we were hired to be the live entertainment for an evening "soiree" that Paula hosted for a bunch of ladies who were anxious to throw down and get "jiggy" with it. Maybe it was too much plantation punch or maybe it was just the wet your blouse humidity, but that night, as we as we debuted our east coast reply to west coast gangstas N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton", them bitches got up and made us blush like school boys. Paula was busting a move all over the floor, and it was then that she uttered her now infamous slur. She meant nothing by it, it was just her going with the flow of the evening, mainly due to our pantie throwing inducing stage show. It sucks that such a kind hearted gal got the cold hard shaft of liberal bias shoved up her backside, but we still dig her cooking. As an ode to her, we present to you the lyrics to our one time hit....hope you enjoy bitches...
                           

"Straight Outta Charleston"

Your about the witness the strength of beer knowledge

(VERSE ONE FRED FLINTSTONE)

Straight outta Charleston, crazy motherfucka named Flintstone

From the group called Cracka's with Attitude

When I'm logged on, I get my trades on

Pull the trigger and boxes are hauled off

You too playa, if ya trading wit me

Local beer stores wanna try and stop me

Fedex, that's how I am shipping out

To dope ass traders if they got the clout

Trader's get to yappin, lets get this crackin

Mixin and matchin I am the King of packin

Bottles going out wrapped in plastic

Anxious to get them, bitches be spastic

I'm always down for a 12 bottle trade move

Here's a little tip to teach a lesson

I'm the pimp of tradin, I aint messin

Beer Advocate is the tool

Keep taking punk ass noobs to school

Making them deals, ain't no maybes

Sending out shipping boxes daily

Fedex bill is costing me dearly

Until motherfuckers realize that clearly

BC4M is driving this bus

Punks, you cant fuck with us

So when I'm in your beer store you better duck

Cause Fred Flintstone is raining them bucks

As I leave believe I'm grabbing

Every fucking whale that you be stashing

I'm coming straight outta Charleston

Yo Bim, whassup, 

Tell em where you from

(VERSE 2  DR. BIM)

Straight outta Charleston, another crazy ass clown

Looking for mutts all across town

I'm a crazy motherfucka but you knew that

Pimpin your hood wearing my top hat

But I don't give a fuck, I'm ma make my rounds

I'm picking out canines from any old pound

Just like stealing the definition is jackin

And when I mount you dog, its called packin

All it takes is a couple of minutes

I find your dog unleashed, I get up on it

So if your outta town or not home

Imma make a house call on your ho

She'll probably run away like a dog is supposed to

But I'll just follow, I am not opposed to

Chasing a bitch down the street

Morality fuck! I don't give a shit

Dr Bim controls the antibiotic

For any rabid dog, that causes static

Telling your dog to not lick itself

Everytime I grab a milkbone off the shelf

The penalty is maximum, that's the law

But I don't give a fuck, like you just saw

See cuz I am an animal loving villain

After I'm done, I need some penicillin

To take away the doggy flu

And once she's on the menu, her ass is through

Look you might think I'm being flip

But a clown named Bim ain't putting in just the tip

Straight outta Charleston

Johnny is his name and he's coming...

(VERSE 3 Johnny Wilder)

Straight outta Charleston

is a brother that will smother ya sofa

when I end up staying ova

Drinking all night raising hell

Always the last one to leave without fail

See, I don't wanna stop, I got a problem

Find any open bottles, I don't dodge them

Cuz I'm smooth, sit back, and sip awhile

And when I see something barrel aged, I just smile

To me its kinda funny, watching bitches be drivin

All over creation, sometimes even flyin

Looking for the one they call Johnny

Blowing up my phone while they text me

Dangerous!, on my skateboard after dark

Rollin in my hood, ain't no hesitation

I'll even take a piss on your pretty impatiens

Expense report my tab then I'm jettin

Plastering BC4M stickers so you ain't forgettin

So what about the time I passed out, fuck that!

You think I care about spilling beer on your carpet, I ain't no punk ass

This is the autobiography of the J and when you bitches be ready to play

You'll be drinking with a smooth talking rapper, blowin up your pristine crapper

Word to the motherfucka, 

Straight outta Charleston